The Fancies of a Folk Gentleman
I’m a walking period piece.
When in Rome, I wear a toga.
A know-it-all is a fool in disguise.
I’m so cocky. I strut with my walker.
The world stands. For now, at least.
To laugh is the greatest luxury of all.
If you ain’t underground, you ain’t old.
It’s never too soon to howl at the moon.
What I lose in action, I gain in reflection.
To be alive is the only excitement I need.
Wisdom and innocence are a lovely pair.
I love birds — the more exotic, the better.
As my cup runneth over, so doth my mouth.
I still run up the hill with gusto, albeit slower.
Focus on the doing, and the done will follow.
I’m an American thoroughbred — 100% mutt.
There is nothing noble in aspiring to normalcy.
Besides wrinkles, worrying accomplishes little.
If you’re doing it right, life keeps surprising you.
Economics 101. — Scarcity breeds appreciation.
Whatever wild oats I’ve sown have gone to seed.
Most of the time, I choose kindness over honesty.
Only the young live under the illusion of originality.
I embrace old age as if it were a pretty, young girl.
I’m no spring chicken anymore, but I’m still a cock.
A generation dies off, and the world barely notices.
Naps are made in heaven and alarm clocks in hell.
To own one’s time is the greatest of all possessions.
I’m a minimalist, except when it comes to adulation.
I’d be golden if my tongue were as silver as my hair.
Poor man’s logic. — If I were rich, I would be happy.
Great things are great, but simple things are greater.
Even the best soils require a conscientious gardener.
The well-received generally give more than they take.
If you want people to hear you, don’t talk above them.
Nothing recalls the past better than an old song does.
The best days of our lives usually arrive unannounced.
Young men speak of revolution, old men of retirement.
To the firstborn, all the spoils. Long live primogeniture!
When my tongue’s a-wagging, my ears are a-flagging.
Pour me another drink, and I’ll be even more charming.
He who toots his own horn only inspires more honkers.
In the dark, I can almost pass for young and handsome.
A good-looking tractor does not necessarily plough well.
The only time sex isn’t overrated is when you’re doing it.
If there’s one thing a man can count on, it’s his own folly.
Don’t try to understand a woman. Instead, appreciate her.
The pain of loss never diminishes. Only the surprise does.
Negative rates. — It’s a bitch living off interest these days.
You think you have time, and because of that, you waste it.
My favorite morning activities are sleeping in and snoozing.
I’m just hoping that at least one of my thoughts outlives me.
I wanted to say something, but perhaps I’ve said too much.
Life often seems hard in the present and easy in retrospect.
To win the praise of another man, you must brave his scorn.
Like a blanket for the soul, wisdom keeps an old man warm.
I owe most of my strength to spiritual fortitude and push-ups.
We often try to sell to others what we wouldn’t buy ourselves.
In conversation, aim at understanding rather than impressing.
An aphorism is a colossal truth captured in a couple of words.
Habit frees a man up to concentrate on more important things.
The best part about senility is that everything appears original.
I’ve always been more fascinated by my flowers than my roots.
We should live in the way that we want to be best remembered.
Travel advice. — If you want to have a fun trip, lose the itinerary.
When you take the well-worn path, you miss the best scenery.
Even with all the aches and pains, it still feels good to be alive.
Curiosity has kept me young, but it hasn’t kept me out of trouble.
I have found the greatest opportunity for happiness in good times.
The morning after. — Love is intoxicating, but the hangovers blow.
The only thing I really enjoy making anymore is history. And babies.
The causes of death are numerous, but the effect always the same.
The closer we get to death, the more we begin to respect the dead.
I’ve earned the title survivor, but the odds are against me keeping it.
What a simple stolen pleasure — to read in bed on a cold rainy day.
I aspire to be no more than what I am, which is a relatively easy job.
We spend our youth pursuing gain and our old age reconciling loss.
I like adult humor and adult beverages. Otherwise, I’m a kid at heart.
The past is a friendly teacher, while the future is a menacing stranger.
’Tis easier to get what you want that it is to appreciate what you have.
I don’t want to live in denial. That’s why I never deny myself too much.
What we’ve acquired is not nearly as important as how we acquired it.
The best of plans are fruitless unless firmly planted in the field of action.
Bachelor blues. — I was happily single until I became a lonely old man.
The secret to being welcomed back is arriving on time and leaving early.
When you become aware of something, you start noticing it everywhere.
A sage is a man that keeps listening even after he has heard it all before.
I have lived just long enough to know that I don’t know shit about shinola.
What’s my line? — I’ll know I’m losing it when I start flubbing up my lines.
I like women doctors. I feel more comfortable with their fingers in my ass.
A few of my mistakes have unwittingly been some of my smartest moves.
I never got married because I wanted to live in peace before I rested in it.
If there is such a thing as eternity — God knows — I ain’t got the time for it.
If you want people to feel comfortable around you, accept them as they are.
Even in good talkers, the succinct appeals to more ears than the loquacious.
I’ve lost a great many things over the years, but hope was never one of them.
I never hide my light under a bushel. For one, it’s not that bright to begin with.
First, reform yourself and then begin working on old and incorrigible mankind.
Man’s best friend. — If you keep the dog fed, he’ll continue to put up with you.
Unlike my bones, I enjoy my flesh because it’s not going to be around forever.
I’m able to pick-up everything in an introduction, but the damn person’s name.
A wise man is careful with his reputation, knowing it usually precedes his arrival.
Let your life speak for you. Keep your tongue tucked away for special occasions.
You only harden a man’s viewpoint when you try to change it by arguing with him.
If I could return to my heyday, the only thing I would do differently is enjoy it more.
The mirror reminds us of our age while our juniors are quick to second its opinion.
Window dressing. — I put on a good front and hide what’s in the back of the store.
No matter how fancy my best bib and tucker, I’m still just a naked ape underneath.
The older you get, the more your visits with friends consist of trips to the cemetery.
I have been called a flirt when, in truth, I was just testing to see if love was possible.
Sometimes, you need to take a vacation to appreciate how good you have it at home.
When I wished that they sold pills to sustain my passion, I never dreamt it’d come true.
My generation. — Long ago, I stopped singing the refrain, "I hope I die before I get old."
When they admonish me to be a man and fight, I say, "I am being a man — a gentleman."
I decided to start living like I was already dead. That way, I would appreciate myself more.
While it flies off the shelves of future generations, a classic rarely sells well in its own time.
The recognition of the world is no substitute for self-respect. Dignity comes from the inside.
A healthy diet. — After you have tasted significance, you generally stop dining on the trivial.
My mind summons up energy every day, but my body no longer responds to the subpoenas.
Against all odds. — If you live long enough, there’s a very high probability you’re going to die.
Morning wood. — I knew I was getting up there when my johnson no longer got up before me.
Been years. — The last time I turned a head, the lady was wearing a leopard-skin pill-box hat.
Old temptations are hard to conquer because the attackers are ruthless and the defense weak.
We recognize a good speaker when he says what we think better than we can say so ourselves.
If I had a skeleton key to life, I would purposely lose it just to make things a little more interesting.
The cynic in me. — A limited conscience is one of the first requirements for succeeding in society.
Having fun is the most highly guarded secret to the select few of us with an in on aging gracefully.
I display what I know with much subtlety and great hesitation, so my pomposity isn’t so noticeable.
If there’s one thing that age has taught me, it’s to make sure that there’s always a bathroom nearby.
False humility. — I admit when I’m wrong, and that’s one of the main reasons why I’m so often right.
Take your time. — The world destroys what grows too quick. A tree without roots is but a dead stick.
Unintended consequences. — Civilization tries to straighten what nature bends and then acts befuddled when her well-planned lines come out crooked.
I think of all the progress mankind has made in the last three hundred years, and then I take a good look at Mother Earth and think boy has she regressed.
In the modern age, men have substituted themselves for God but still have yet to prove that they are up to the job.
FOMO. — I don’t have a problem with passing away. I’m just afraid I’m going to miss out on something.
Don’t rush your life or wish away the years. Invariably, you will pray for another moment, and it won’t come.
An intelligent man listens to everyone because he realizes that even the biggest idiot has something to teach.
Old loves bask in the beauty of distance and glitter in the glow of nostalgia. Sweet thing, take me back and hurt me once more.
I wouldn’t have to work anymore if my mistresses stopped pledging so much damn support to materialism.
ROI. — It is a good practice to make the biggest investment in the first impression since it offers the highest rate of return.
I once knew a man so skilled in self-deception that he was flattered by the congratulatory letters he sent to himself.
I have maintained my youth by carefully avoiding what makes men old — namely — marriage, children, and the Presidency.
One of my favorite hobbies is people watching. Unlike most past times, it’s rewarding without being capital or labor-intensive. It’s good fun just sitting there watching the world go by.
I have never been sympathetic towards people who use age as an excuse for being out of shape. However, as I grow older, I’m starting to relax my harsh opinion.
I remember the days when I wanted to build empires and mold utopias. Now, I’m pleased if I can make it through to the next nap.
I sympathize with progressive ideals, yet never to such a degree that I might jeopardize some of my privileges.
Youth is the quickest to worship a new power since us old folks know that the advertisement is one thing and the product another.
A go-getter is one of those fools that doesn’t appreciate the value of waiting. If people only had the time to learn patience, they’d start to see what they’re missing. The hustle and bustle looks awfully silly under the light of this ancient and virtuous trait.
Battles of the heart. — I have lived through many wars, and I’ve got to say that the surrenders were almost as sweet as the victories.
If you insist on being liked by everyone, you’re going to find yourself continuously disappointed. After all, only a few people are blessed with good taste.
Recently, I resolved not to gossip about other people. Quickly, I realized there was little else that folks cared to talk about. Either, you bash your fellow man or keep quiet. There’s not much in-between.
Quality over quantity. — An economic principle I hold very dear is that a little of the best is better than a whole lot of the average.
The people whose enjoyment of wine increases in direct proportion to the cost are the same people who revel over a painting for its price tag. If you ask me, they’re all a bunch of philistines.
I say this with deep sincerity. If you want to understand something, don’t listen to the critics and the experts.
A second-hand opinion may cost less than a lesson learned directly, but that is only because it is an inferior product.
I was talking to this guy the other day, and he kept going on and on about the fact that nobody listens anymore. I just nodded my head affirmatively because he wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise.
Common men are usually satisfied with mediocrity, while great men are rarely content with excellence.
Style vs. substance. — People try to appear different through their appearance and dress. Yet, what ultimately distinguishes us is the way in which we live our lives.
I’ve been going for the successful Roman senator look for years now, but all I’ve ever been able to pull off was his derelict son.