The Secrets of a Shy Playboy
In sexual politics, I’m a centrist.
I have no trophies, just panties.
The more I want, the more I need.
Sweet is the memory of once was.
My bedroom doubles as my study.
I’ve never met a mirror I didn’t like.
Only an evolving style stays current.
An embrace begins with open arms.
Punctuate your words with your eyes.
With one look, she captured my wallet.
I produced this piece with you in mind.
Softness is one of my greatest strengths.
I rely heavily on my physical intelligence.
If I were stronger, I’d be more aggressive.
The hardest club to get into is the idle rich.
No pun intended. — I’ve got broad appeal.
In a dog-eat-dog world, it’s cool being a cat.
I rise to the occasion, but never before noon.
Appearances betray as much as they portray.
I may be short in stature, but not in personality.
If you show me your dossier, I’ll show you mine.
So true. — There is no love without vulnerability.
My life is but an act, and my words merely show.
Every time I try to capture a feeling, it runs away.
In the wound lies the healing and future strength.
If you have good taste, you’ll appreciate my form.
The morning commute sucks unless it’s in a limo.
Fill ‘er up. — I need approval like a car needs gas.
At finishing school, I was a model of contemplation.
I have a Ph.D. in flirting with only a GED in intimacy.
Testosterone. — Sometimes, it can hinder progress.
Love is just like politics. The ends justify the means.
That’s saying a lot. — I loved her like I loved myself.
Your heart doesn’t fully mature until it’s been broken.
Compliments are easier won, if not earnestly courted.
The only thing I’ve ever gotten pregnant was a pause.
A brief description. — I’m short, white, and handsome.
I’m not a misogynist. I love all the women beneath me.
I flatter myself, and not to brag, it almost always works.
The Sweet Smell of Success is the only cologne I wear.
I’m a modern man. If the ladies want to drive, I let them.
Yep. My babe likes to keep me within hollering distance.
My heart is easily broken. Please tear it to pieces slowly.
The only way to get over an old love is to find a new one.
Beauty is a superficial advantage and a moral handicap.
I’m an acquired taste, and even then, I’m hard to swallow.
Like greed, desire isn’t satisfied until it finally destroys you.
Her dad taught her how to take, and her mom how to hide it.
The most eloquent part of my rhetoric is the body language.
Jealousy is the surest way of losing what one hopes to keep.
I don’t mind threesomes as long as I get to be in the middle.
You ain’t going to hit a home run if you don’t risk striking out.
Chasing skirts is a horrible business. It only results in losses.
Pretty girl line. — Hard work is for the ants, not the butterflies.
After exchanging articles of possession, we bid adieu forever.
She begged for a Hollywood ending. I gave her A Star Is Born.
The deeper you go in the ocean, the stranger the fish become.
That's what she said. — To get ahead, I had to sell my behind.
I’m desperately reaching out from the page trying to touch you.
You can measure a woman’s curiosity by the size of her pupils.
I wanted to understand her perspective, so I got on the bottom.
I’m one of the few felines in the world that enjoys heavy petting.
Affected. — If you think I’m contrived, you should see my plans.
Some grow uglier upon acquaintance and some more beautiful.
The key to hustling is to keep grinding it out, day in and day out.
Unrequited love tends to last longer than the consummated kind.
No point in suiting up for the game if she ain’t out of your league.
The most sobering words ever assembled — ’til death do us part.
I never get emotionally involved. I don’t want to lose my objectivity.
I live as if it’s going out of style. My diet consists mostly of gluttony.
My plan is simple. Live in luxury today and pay my debts tomorrow.
I will not officially declare bankruptcy until I lose the last of my looks.
If you exclude the fucking, the best part of a romance is the mystery.
I was an easy conversion for the missionaries of the Sexual Revolution.
As she lay sprawled out before me, I praised God for the very first time.
A good lover explores the whole territory before settling in the best part.
Chicks dig it. — I’m an alpha male with a penchant for high beta stocks.
Self-confession. — It’s hard being a man with the emotions of a woman.
My smile is my best defense. If that doesn’t work, I just plead ignorance.
Take a cue from Jack Nicholson. — Say little, smile a lot, and look cool.
After playing the fool a few times, I stepped into the role of jaded easily.
Common hardships brought us together. Selfish desires drove us apart.
The fleeting sunset. — It’s the brevity of beauty that makes it so precious.
They take me out for the stunts and put me back in for the harem scenes.
No Meg Ryan. — I’ve tried to fake an orgasm, but never quite pulled it off.
If I cared for others as much as I cared for myself, I’d be a goddamn saint.
If there’s one thing that women have taught me, it’s that men are assholes.
The Man in Black. — I wear black because it brings the light out in my skin.
Hollywood romance. — The beautiful stick together, but rarely for very long.
My sentimentality is strongest at night and usually wears off by the morning.
We cannot recapture what is gone, but we can appreciate what we have left.
All of my loves have been consummated by hurt. Yet, I still want to love again.
She was a feeling addict, and I was her supplier. Call me when you need a fix.
In my experience, show dogs are approximately one quarter as loyal as mutts.
We are born alone and die alone. That’s why we need a lot of love in-between.
The socialite whispered softly in my ear, “Today’s secret is tomorrow’s gossip.”
I like being a kept man because I can accomplish most of my work lying down.
The tables turn. — A man loses his leverage precisely at the point of marriage.
Yeah, right. — She told me it was like her very first time. I inquired, “This week?”
We enter a love affair enticed by its rewards and leave suffering from its burdens.
The higher I go in society, the more difficulty I have reading the restaurant menus.
Low expectations. — She said, “Give me all you have.” I said, “That’s all you want.”
Early morning clues. — The more she leaves behind, the more she wants to return.
Art is all around you. Like a beautiful woman, you just have to learn how to pick it up.
The first time is usually the best because it does not suffer from the reflex of comparison.
A few men have what it takes to become world-class lovers. The rest become husbands.
Hats off, to my Pops. — Your mom’s idea of foreplay is me on my knees, begging for an hour.
The only woman in my life who has been able to inspire me to a lifelong commitment is my mother.
Each relationship begins with the hopes of building an empire and ends with the splitting up of colonies.
Little Caesar. — My greatest conquests weren’t frontal assaults. They were from the rear.
I’m committed to one-night stands, and on occasion, I’ll do an encore performance if the audience is really into it.
I’ve pursued happiness everywhere, but I haven’t been able to find it anywhere. It must be hiding somewhere around some elusive corner.
The Sorrows of Young Werther. — I had to stop reading tragedies because the protagonists reminded me way too much of myself.
Our weaknesses are often more endearing than our strengths. Open up your heart and let others pour in. Be not afraid.
Sing it, Johnny. — After our break up, I broke up. Now, I’m nothing but shards of pain and fragments of hurt.
Jackson Pollock homage. — In a secluded study, under the hypnosis of soft music, inspired by a tragic muse, I splashed feelings on the page in the form of words bathing the white canvas in love and loss.
Visions of Sweetness. — She used to wear a dark see-through dress with no underwear. That’s how I like to remember her bending over under that lovely spring light.
For my lost loves. — I elevated you to royalty, dressed you up as queens, dripped you in the heavens, constructed you into an ideal, and prostrated before thee. Now, as I examine you from a distance, you appear to be nothing more than idols of my own making.
The steps of seduction. — Appeal to her senses, entertain her mind and compliment her features. Follow with deep feeling and passion. Lastly, give your heart to her happiness.
I explained to her that I wanted to be loved, not exploited. She told me that I’d have to teach her the difference between the two.
It wasn’t until I tried fertilizing my first egg and pollinating my first flower that I truly understood the meaning of the birds and the bees.
The end of a romantic relationship is paradoxically a painful harbinger of death as well as a joyous renewal of life.
It’s coming. — She said that I had not hurt her yet. I asked her to be patient and just give me a little more time.
Forgotten are the petty acts and heroic poses. But my sweet darling, we shall always remember the splendid days of wine and roses.
The final farewell hurts more than anything in this world. In the end, however, it’s less painful than holding on to something that is no longer there.
Learning how to say goodbye is one of life’s great arts. In parting, the conclusion of one story gives birth to another.